Tag Archives: openness

Sexism and Sexuality and “Sacred Pleasure”

I am very excited right now: I have finally picked up a book from the postal office that I had ordered three weeks ago. It is „Sacred Pleasure – Sex, Myth, and the politics of the body – new paths to power and love“ by Riane Eisler. I had first heard of it in a mentioning by Kelly Bryson in a video that I have watched on Youtube.

So far I have only scanned through the index and I am very very much looking forward to reading it.

Learning about sex-positivism in the last 1,5 years has certainly had a major impact on me. I have learned to question the (temporal) monogamous relationship model and have learned about the idea to appreciate „having sex“ simply for the sake of having sex and pleasure. I have met people who live in other relationship models than the one our society approves of. I have faced a lot of my fears and jealousies. I have experienced that I can very well love and be sexual with someone and at the same time be happy if that someone loves and has sex with another person as well.

One big unresolved issue definitely is for me what I call „sexism“ and what to my understanding (so far) Riane Eisler might call male sexual dominance culture. My problem here is that the older I get the more turned off I get by any sexism that I sense in my sex partners. And why is that a problem? Well it is a problem for me, because it seems to me that the sexism really is extremely widespread especially when it comes to sex. This is my own experience at least.

I am definitely not at a point yet where I am able to fully comprehend (even) for myself, what the whole thing that I call sexism really is for me – but one aspect definitely is an approach to sex where you regard the partner as having to be there for your pleasure and satisfaction. You know the objectification. Hmm. The crucial part here for me is really the „having to be there for the pleasure and satisfaction “ idea behind that. I mean I find it absolutely beautiful if one partner gives the other partner pleasure/satisfaction and I definitely enjoy sex where sex is a giving and taking. I definitely love giving pleasure as much as I love receiving it. But this joy of sexual giving&taking – for me – is very far from thinking that the other has to be there for my satisfaction.

You know in a way I am shocked that in my experience the great majority of men perceive sex as a practice of taking pleasure and satisfaction (as opposed to receiving) or who when they aim to give pleasure to their sex partner, it often borders on forcing rather than giving. And in women I feel that either they are very other-determined and expect somehow pleasure to be forced upon them, or they become self-determined but often then start regarding sex as taking pleasure also.

Also it is very seldom that I found openness and sensitivity in those men to really listen to the partner verbally and non-verbally about how they can give pleasure to them. The idea about „I am the man, I should know how to pleasure my lover.“ seems to limit the openness and the capacity to connect sexually.

I am most open and curious to hearing about other people’s experiences and opinions. So feel free to comment

Posted in Books, Gender | Also tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Alive through the pain

I have read a post in Miki Kashtan’s Blog today and there was a paragraph where she wrote about pain in the context of griefing. She writes:

„In opening to the pain I am opening to acceptance. It’s as if the resistance to the pain comes from the unconscious idea that by not accepting it I can have more hope of changing it. Not so. In the acceptance I find peace, alignment, and the recognition that my choice is internal.“

Reading this I felt a stab of pain in my own chest. What agony have I suffered from trying to avoid pain! One of the reasons I am avoiding pain – if I am avoiding it – is the reason Miki is giving: I fear that if I accept the fact that something is hurting so very much at the moment, I feel I might give up on my determination and efforts to get what I need in the future.

But then there is some other blockade that somehow feels much more painful to relate here. It is painful to even think about it. The blockade is the believe that somehow feeling intense pain is un-normal, sick or crazy even. People think that someone who expresses their intense pain should be frowned upon.

Wow – even writing it down like this I want to scream in anger and desperation. „How can you think like this?“ it screams inside of me – „Dont you know the suffering you are causing? Are you too dumb or naive to understand that only through experiencing and accepting one’s own emotions there is a chance of healing? What kind of human being are you that you dont even know this very truth? How can there ever be anything truely positive in your life if you dont know this and live according to this? Wake up! Wake up for your own sake. Wake up for my sake.

What is it that people mean when they say: „Dont keep the hurt alive“? I believe the real meaning of that sentence is: >Dont avoid the hurt in its full extent, in its whole intensity, so that you will be able to let go, heal, be open and to take care of yourself.< And I think when people say: „Don’t keep the hurt alive“ that most of them would not agree on my translation of that sentence.

I think that to most people moving into the pain with open eyes and heart, seems destructive and dangerous. Probably – I am speculating – many people fear that opening to pain could evoke emotions, thoughts and ultimately actions that can cause a lot of harm and in the worst case death even. This fear I can personally relate to.

But I think there is also some other fear behind the believe of people that one should not open up (too much) to pain. Unfortunately to this I can relate much less. It is difficult for me to imagine, but I will try to describe what I understand: Sometimes seeing someone else opening up to pain, opens up ourself to our own pain from experiences of the past. So far I understand.

And I also understand that it takes a lot of courage and energy to deal with the own pain. One faces loneliness at times, helplessness and desperation at others, sometimes the pain is overwhelming, sometimes all this comes together and one involves oneself in actions that distract oneself from pain and thereby perpetuate and increase the pain. I know all this and I have experienced all this. And I understand all this. I understand the fear.

But what I dont understand, what puzzles, frustrates and annoys me at once is, why people dont believe that all the hardship of facing ones own pain is worth it?
How could people chose not to change, not to heal? Because that is what they chose if they dont open up to their pain. They chose stagnation, loneliness, emptiness, shallowness, and worst of all not to be alive.

Posted in Empathy, Life, NonViolent Communication (NVC) | Also tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
Daily Words of Appreciation
  • Contact me!

    [contact-form-7 id="438" title="Contact form 1"]